Smile

	HOME
	EAST TEXAS DISTRICT
	MOP CAMPS
	WHO ARE WE?
	DORCAS
	SMILE
	SALVATION
	BIBLE
	CALENDAR
	LINKS
	DOCTRINE
	DOCTRINA
	WANTED

Contributed Jokes

Word to The Wise: "A Christian is like a good watch: He has an open face, busy hands, is made of pure gold, is well regulated, and is full of good works."

A minister was forced to pull his car over to the side of the road by a traffic cop for speeding.
As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more." Gilbert Garcia jr. (El Buen Pastor Apostolic Church in San Antonio)

Kevin and Ryan, ages five and three, were waiting for breakfast one Saturday morning. As their mother was preparing some pancakes, the boys began to argue loudly over who would get the first one from the griddle.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" she explained.
Kevin immediately turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Ryan, you be Jesus!" Gilbert Garcia jr. (El Buen Pastor Apostolic Church in San Antonio)

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." Gilbert Garcia jr. (El Buen Pastor Apostolic Church in San Antonio)

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " Gilbert Garcia jr. (El Buen Pastor Apostolic Church in San Antonio)

Murphy's Law of Computing

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant for it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete AND when the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human.

The one who laughs last probably made a backup.

From: Brian Kluth Organization: CSA Email: brian@stewardship.org 11-13-98

********************

From Stewardship Stories

"I'm a walkin economy," a man was overheard to say. "My hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they are putting me into a deep depression." Milton Segal

From: Brian Kluth Organization: CSA Email: brian@stewardship.org 10-12-98

********************

The Pearl White Phone

A Rabbi from Jerusalem went to the Holy See to visit the Pope. Upon entering the Popes office a brilliant pearl white phone on the Popes desk began to ring. The ring was that of harps and angels singing. The Pope talked for a little while and hung up. The Rabbi Said; "I have never seen a phone such as that in all my life!" The Pope responded; "This phone is a direct link to God in Heaven."

The rabbi asked if he could use it to talk with God and the Pope granted him permission. After talking with God for about 15 minutes the rabbi asked how much he owed. The pope looked at a little meter on the side of the phone and said $45.00.

A month later the Pope went to Jerusalem and visited with the Rabbi. On the desk in the Rabbi's office the Pope noticed a pearl white phone just like his. He asked the Rabbi; "Is that a phone to heaven and if so may I use it?" After talking to God for 20 minutes the Pope asked how much he owed. The Rabbi looked at the meter on the side of the phone and said; "thirty five cents." The Pope had a puzzled look on his face and asked the Rabbi why it cost $45 at the Holy See and only thirty-five cents here in Jerusalem? The Rabbi replied; "because here in Jerusalem it is a local call!"

From: Donn Vaught Organization: CSA Email: Donn@stewardship.org 9-9-98

********************

The Speed Limit!!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was just coming back from a fundraising dinner, and I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

From: Bill Mustard Organization: MDS Communications Email: bmustard@mdscom.com 8-25-98

********************

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,"What is wrong?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. At that point God said he was going to get Adam a companion and it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will always love you, never disagree with you,always think your the best, comfort you at all times, and long to please you in every way."

Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost?"

God said. "An arm and a leg."

Adam said,"What could I get for just a rib?" ----- The rest is history.

Submitted: 8-4-98

********************

Jim's doctor called and said he had bad news and worse news. Jim said, what's the bad news. The doctor said, "You only have 24 hours to live." Jim asked, "What news could be worse than that doctor?" The doctor
replied, "I have been trying to reach you since yesterday!"

From: Brian Kluth Organization: CSA Email: brian@stewardship.org 7-29-98

********************

There was an old and used up $100 bill and an old and used up $1 bill on the way to the furnace where they burn old money at the mint. The $100 bill started talking to the $1 bill and said, "I really can't complain. I've had a pretty good life. Great vacations, nice clothes, house in the suburbs, new cars. It's just been a great life." The $1 bill thought for a moment and said, "Yeah . . . easy for you to say. All I ever did was go to church...go to church...go to church!

From: Brian Kluth Organization: CSA Email: brian@stewardship.org 7-29-98

********************

George Bush dreamt that he died and went to Heaven. When he got there, St.Peter asked him why he should get into heaven. George Bush responded "I was President of the United States". St Peter said that didn't mean anything to him. "Well" said Mr. Bush, "I have raised a lot of money for charitable organizations" St. Peter said that still didn't help and asked if he knew anyone in Heaven who could give him a good reference. George Bush thought for a minute and said "Well I know Moses really well". St. Peter told Mr. Bush to have a seat and he'd go and get Moses. About an hour later St. Peter came back, without Moses. He looked at George Bush and said "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but Moses refused to come, he said the last time he spoke to a bush he spent 40 years in the wilderness".

From: Heather Thomson Organization: Trinity Western University Email: thomson@twu.ca 7-29-98

The Vancouver Sun printed these actual children's answers given on a Bible knowledge test:

1) Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
2) Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.
3) The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
4) Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
5) Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
6) David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
7) A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Some local pranksters dragged a dead mule onto a pastor's lawn and left it. Bright and early the next morning, the pranksters telephoned the pastor and said, "Reverend, I believe it is the duty of ministers like yourself to take care of the dead. I noticed a dead mule in your yard. Are you going to bury him?"

"Yes, if you'll give your consent," replied the pastor replied, "because I need the consent of the closest relative."

Top 10 Negative Effects Hollywood Has Had on the Church World:

10. Lucifer now drawn suspiciously like Darth Vader;
9. Pastor pauses frequently during sermon for "a word from our sponsor;"
8. Sound-man uses laugh-tracks for the minister's humorous illustrations;
7. Instead of grade levels, Sunday school classes now divided as "Rated R, PG-13, PG and G;"
6. Church Renamed to "Pastor Jones & the Temple of Doom;"
5. Services open with "previously during the Sunday sermon," and end with, "continued next week;"
4. Songleader replaced with announcer who says loudly, "And now, h-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-r-e-s Pastor Johnny!"
3. Each week, the ushers stage a chase scene;
2. Missionary slide-shows canceled for low ratings; And the number one negative effect of Hollywood on the church:
1. Those annoying moments when the pastor's wife yells, "Cut! Let's do it again, but with feeling this time!"

Word To The Wise:

"If is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. "
--Jerome K Jerome, English Novelist

YOU TOO?

There once was an elderly Jewish man who discovered, to his dismay, that his son had become a Christian. Naturally upset, he went to talk to his best friend. When his friend heard the news he replied "You too? The same thing has happened to my son. I raised him to be an observant Jew and all of a sudden he decided to become a Christian. Maybe we should go discuss this with the Rabbi."

So the two men went the see the Rabbi, who replied "You too? My son has also become a Christian. Let us pray for guidance." So the three men went into the sanctuary and began to pray. "Oh Lord, we have all raised our sons to be observant Jews, but they have fumed to Christianity. What should we do?" At that moment the sky darkened and the air became still and a voice from on high said, "You too?"

Top 10 Rejected Opening Witnessing lines:

10. "Ok, what do your eternal soul and this piece of burnt toast have in common?"
9. "We'd like you to be saved, because we need a ninth person for our church softball team."
8. "What are you, the manager of 'Sinners R Us?"
7. "I'm supposed to tell you about Jesus or else."
6. "God's got this, like, universe-sized Web page!"
5. "Hold still, while I take some practice swings with my King James!"
4. Very quickly mutter, "Well, nice seeing you, your soul will burn eternally in hell unless you repent. Have a nice day."
3. "It's like in science fiction. You get saved and at the Rapture, you get 'beamed up."
2. "Everyone who's saved, take a step forward. Not so fast, Lou. " And the number one rejected witnessing line "It's like this. You log onto God, delete your old life files, then download the Holy Ghost!"

WORTH REPEATING

A Preachers daughter, asked if her father ever preached the same sermon more than once, replied, "Yes, I think he does, but he hollers in different places."

A LETTER TO GOD

Little Johnny wanted $100 more than anything in the world. So he decided to send a letter to God. "Dear God," he said, "Please send me $100. I have been a very good boy. Love, Johnny." He dropped his letter in the mailbox and waited patiently. When the postal workers received a letter addressed to "God, USA," they weren't real sure what to do with it. So they decided to forward it to President Clinton. When Mr. Clinton heard about the letter, his heart was warmed by this cute little boy named Johnny who had decided to write to God. So he instructed his aides to send the boy $5, thinking that this would be a lot of money to a little boy. When Johnny received the $5, he decided to send a thank you note, as follows: "Dear God, Thank you for the money. I noticed that you had to forward your mail through Washington, DC. As usual, they took out $95 for taxes. Your Friend, Johnny."

JUST WAIT A MINUTE

The Pastor had been disturbed by a person in the congregation who was a fast reader. "Now," said the pastor, "we're going to read the 23rd Psalm together. Will the lady who is always 'by the still waters' while the rest of us are in 'green pastures,' please wait a minute while the rest of us catch up!"

If you have something to contribute to this page send it to me and we will post it.

Home